A couple of weeks ago I was standing in the shower, just having a normal, every day type of shower, when I noticed, for probably the first time in my life, that my whole being was ‘braced against’ as it were.
I was able to let the feeling go in a split second and immediately noticed the difference in my whole body. I also decided at that moment to maintain some vigilance so that I could more quickly recognize this state in myself. It’s not a healthful nor pleasant state to find oneself in.
As they say in the movies…”A few months back…”
I was on a wonderful, delightful roll of writing most Sundays about something that touched me so that I could share with you and you could perhaps be touched with the same curiosities in life that I am touched with.
However, at the end of September, two things collided and off the track I went.
While my break from writing was without any self-reproach…a gift that happens when you meditate enough and cultivate compassion for all things including self…I have spent the time otherwise quite engaged.
The first thing that happened was that my partner, Steve, went on a little three-week adventure in his truck and thirteen-foot cargo trailer outfitted as his little man-cave. This provided some much needed alone time for me to think and just be, well, alone!
I thought, though in hind-sight incorrectly, that it would be a nice adventure in my own self-expression to write a bit each day about what the experience was like. After all, I hadn’t spent that much time alone since, hmmm, I can’t even remember when.
What happened backfired though as many well-intentioned things do. It was too much. My weekly commitment to write was perfect. I had days to contemplate my next piece, be inspired by an idea or concept or thought and then on Sunday, I’d sit down and have a wonderful time pouring and coaxing words from my heart, soul, brain, mind, being, spirit…where ever the words come forth from before they land on the paper or screen.
Then, a week or so after being overwhelmed with my idea to write ‘30 days of alone', I started having some physical symptoms that literally and figuratively, stopped me in my tracks. My legs started to spasm and twitch and cramp and I couldn’t sleep or even function properly. I was physically and emotionally stressed and just the thought of writing was overwhelming.
So I stopped, knowing that you’d understand.
But I love to write and knew I’d eventually find my way back…and I have.
No, the symptoms aren’t gone. I’ve done a lot of tests already and so far, a clue hasn’t exposed itself. We did find one mold toxin so I’m working on that. I have some other ‘ideas’ and will continue exploring while maintaining faith (minus a few seconds here and there as I am only human!) that this, too, will resolve itself in time.
Back to the present…
This brings me back to that moment in the shower a couple of weeks ago. I realized after quite a lot of introspection that I have lived in a state of being ‘braced against’ for far too long.
Braced against financial challenges.
Braced against far too many physical symptoms and issues that I am so over.
Braced against reactions from partners.
Braced against students and teachers and neighbors.
Braced against one reactive friend who taxes my nervous system every time we chat.
Just braced against…and I realize now that it not only isn’t serving me but that I’m sure it’s causing physical and emotional harms I am unaware of yet.
So much of what I believe in terms of physical health includes what I’m feeling, thinking, believing. Our deepest selves have a way of bubbling to the surface to be noticed, dealt with, morphed into love, compassion and acceptance.
So I’m back to writing on Sundays, regardless. And I’m committed to noticing when I’m braced against anything because the quicker I notice this state of being, the quicker I can let it go so that my energy can flow in the direction of healing that will once again, bring me the vibrant health I so remember experiencing.
Your Presence Work for this week is to simply notice if you also find yourself braced against anything in your own life. If and when you do, all that is required is a simple deep breath and the intention of letting it (whatever it it) go.
I wish for you and I continued insight into what makes us tick.
I offer you presence in all things. Thanks for being here…I appreciate you.
Elisabeth…
My personal philosophy…“I question therefore I am.”
Elisabeth, I’m so happy you are back. I’m sorry that your break wasn’t painless. But I really appreciate how you highlight that despite the realness of mental and physical aches, they can start to blend together and feed off one another. Best to you!